why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
