There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
