mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize