my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
