How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
