question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize