he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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