I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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