I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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