I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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