Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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