Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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