spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
