you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize