She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
