He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
