The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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