I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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