you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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