im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
