he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
