And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
