I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
