How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
