like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
