the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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