I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
