So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
