You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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