i wish there were pregnant emoticons
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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