Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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