I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize