Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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