Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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