At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
