My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
