i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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