You smell like stripper and shame
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
