Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
