Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
