I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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