I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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