So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
