I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
