I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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