Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
