Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
