I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
her vagine was all disorganized.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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