respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
