Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize