I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
