I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
