we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
