how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
