Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
