I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
