I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
