he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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