I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
