i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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