Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
